


you stepped off the edge / but you didn't check to see where you'd fall

by queencrank



Series: now look at what we've done [2]
Category: Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Genre: (it’s weed it’s nbd), Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-02-28 03:38:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13262835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queencrank/pseuds/queencrank
Summary: Of course, Ralph had known Jack since he was an little kid, training his father's magnifying glass at ants on the sidewalk. But he never really noticed him. Until he decided that he was interested in boys and also had a bit of a rebellious streak forming. And then the boy who already smoked cigarettes and snuck bottles of whisky from home after coming back from breaks was suddenly terribly interesting to him.





	you stepped off the edge / but you didn't check to see where you'd fall

**Author's Note:**

> me @ me, physically pinning myself down : leave this fic alone it's good and you don't need to add to it  
> me, struggling to get up, tears streaming down my face : fuck you i do whatever i goddamn please
> 
> i asked a couple of people if i should do a follow up or a prequel to the au and they all said follow up  
> but i said fuck that and did a prequel because i could

Of course, Ralph had known Jack since preschool. He knew all of the boys in his year since preschool. The same board that runs Savanna Private School runs a private daycare-to-year-one school, and it was Savanna Alumni tradition to send your kids through the entire board for the whole twelve years available. Ship them off at an early age.

Of course, Ralph had known Jack since he was an little kid, training his father's magnifying glass at ants on the sidewalk. But he never really noticed him other than as the Trouble Kid. Until year four, that is - when he decided that he was interested in boys and also had a bit of a rebellious streak forming. And the boy who already smoked cigarettes and snuck bottles of whisky from home after coming back from breaks was terribly interesting to him. Bonus points that their dads hated each other, of course.

 

The second day back from Thanksgiving Break, Ralph leans across the row in Social Sciences, shooting Jack the smile that makes all the girls in his neighbourhood swoon. He had positioned himself beside early in the semester for this exact reason - to bum a cig off him.

'Do you have a smoke I could bum off of you, Merridew?' He whispers, and Jack takes one look at him, eyebrow raised.

'I have smokes, yeah. None that I wanna give to you though.'

'What?' He says it louder than he means to, and the Professor stops in her lesson. He smiles up innocently, and she starts slowly, frowning. He turns back to Jack, who's still looking at him. 'Why?'

'Do you even smoke?'

'No. But I'd like to.'

'Why?'

'To... To get girls.' Jack snorts and turns away.

'Yeah right, Golden Boy. Your daddy would form an ulcer if he found out you were smoking. He’d get a tumour if he found out that Isaac Merridew's kid was the one giving you the smokes. So. Piss off.'

'Please?' He bites his thumbnail, and Jack looks back at him, stares at him for a long time, then sighs.

'Fine. Meet me behind the North Building at lunch hour. Don't be late.' He opens his jotter, rubbing at the skin behind his ear. 'Prat.'

 

As soon as the lunch bell rings, Ralph springs from his seat, not bothering to wait for Piggy or Simon and hurrying down the hall.

Jack is already there when he arrives, and he suspects he's been there for a while. His head is tilt back against the stone of the North Building, his eyes closed. A lit cigarette is held lightly between two of his fingers.

'Take a picture. It'd last longer.' Jack hasn't even opened his eyes - Ralph flushes dark and picks his way over to sit in the sodden grass beside him, soaked by late autumn rain. Jack hands him the cigarette, opening one eye to watch him with lazy interest.

'How do you do it?' Jack snorts as Ralph holds it between his thumb and forefinger, inspecting the smouldering end.

'Put it in your mouth. Breathe in. Breathe in again to get it in your lungs.' Ralph does as he's told, and comes up spluttering. He covers his mouth, and Jack actually laughs this time, both eyes open now. He takes the cigarette back, sets it between his teeth as he digs in his backpack. He comes up with an unlit cigarette, and hands it to Ralph.

'Here. Practise with this. And don't hold it like that, dumbass. It’s not a joint.'

'Do you have a joint?'

'One step at a time, Golden Boy. Don't want you becoming a junkie on me.' He uncaps a water bottle and takes a sip, nose screwing up.

'What's in there?'

'Fireball.' Ralph blinks, setting the unlit cigarette down. He leans across Jack and picks up the bottle, and Jack exclaims in protest. ‘ Words, Gornick!' He snaps, and Ralph smiles, opening the bottle and sniffing the bottle - it smells sweet, strong. Cinnamon-y. He takes a deep gulp, and tries not to cough this time when swallowing. Jack looks over at him, impressed, then back down at his cigarette.

'Lemme light that for you.' He takes it from his hand, then rests the filter against his lips. Obediently, Ralph opens his mouth, lets him set it between his lips before lighting a match, bringing it to the end.

'I didn’t know you could have one of those.' Ralph murmurs when his cigarette is lit.

'I have candles in my room. I say they’re for them if someone sees them.' Jack watches him closely now, interest and... Something else in his eyes. 'You aren’t what I expected, Golden Boy,' Ralph shrugs, looking down. 'Wanna try something?' Ralph looks up again, bites his lip. Then, he nods, tries not to do it too eagerly. Jack takes another gulp of Fireball distractedly. His gaze was intense, and it seemed to burn a hole through his heart.

'Take a hit of that,' He murmurs, and Ralph does as he’s told, the smouldering end lighting up a glowing orange, 'Don't breathe out until I tap your arm like this.' He takes hold of his upper arm, then taps his index finger against his shoulder. Ralph nods, still and wide-eyed. Jack's other hand comes up under his jaw, and he leans in, pressing his lips to Ralph's with practised ease. Ralph's mouth opens before he remembers, then he closes it again, and sort of puckers his lips to let Jack know that he wanted to respond. Finally, the tap comes, and Ralph breathes out, too preoccupied to cough. Jack breathes in, then pulls back and tips his head back, breathing out the smoke in a long, even stream. Ralph flushes and looks away.

'You ever been kissed?' Ralph nods. 'By who, Golden Boy?' Jack says it differently now. Like it's a petname. Like he owns him already.

'She lives in my neighbourhood. We were six, and we were hiding in the bushes while playing hide-and-seek. She always had a crush on me, I think.'

'That's nothing but a child's game. I mean - really kissed. Like... So hard that you can’t breathe afterwards.' Ralph flushes and shakes his head, and Jack smiles, predatory and victorious, his hand already coming back up to his jaw. 'You want me to show you?'

'Yes,' Ralph croaks, throat dry and mouth dryer. Jack hums, then leans in closer, nose brushing along his.

'Meet me here an hour after lights out.' He murmurs, then lets him go. Ralph pulls back, blinking slowly.

'Okay,' He squeaks, and stands shakily, heading across the grass, forcing himself to not look back as he tosses the rest of his cigarette into the wet grass.

 

 

He expects Jack to already be there when he sneaks out, but the lawn behind the four dorm buildings, surrounding the main hall where the classes and meals were held. Ralph hadn't realized how close he was to where Ron, the Headmaster, slept, until he notices the lights in his suite are still on. He sticks in the shadows, chewing at his nails and blinking into the dark.

'Hey Golden Boy. Didn't think you'd come.' Ralph jumps violently, and curses, spinning on Jack.

'Jesus, Merridew!' He snaps, trying to ignore the flush in his cheeks when he realizes that Jack actually put effort into looking decent for him. 'Wh...What took you so long?' In answer, Jack holds up a slim, short cigarette, hand rolled. He holds it in the way that he had told Ralph not to hold it. Like a... Like a joint. Jack must recognize the dawn of realization, because he grins.

'Had to beg a sixth year for this. Hope you're happy, Golden Boy.' He steps forward, and Ralph instinctively presses to the wall of the building, face burning. Jack hoards into his space and bites his lip, his teeth a flash of white in the low light. Then, the sound of a match being lit, and the little flame is held up between them, the joint still in the other hand. Jack is comically solemn now.

'Who's first?' He asks, and Ralph looks away, rubbing at his earlobe. 'Hm? Golden Boy?'

'Me,' He finally says, meek and flustered.

'Good boy.' When Jack whispers it, it does something strange to Ralph that he can’t describe; he wants to please him further, wants to do anything for him, just so he can hear more praise. He leans in, letting Jack put the joint in his mouth and light it. His hand is on his neck, pressing and hot, and the joint is lit. Ralph lets out his mouthful of smoke with a shuddering breath. Jack is barely distinguishable in the poor light, and he swallows thickly, taking another drag. 'That's it. Right like that - how do you like it?' Ralph shrugs and hands him the joint back, and Jack steps forward, pressing against him.

'I like it better than your smokes.' He murmurs, chest already lighter. Jack hums and runs his hand down his arm. 'I dunno, it’s okay I suppose. I don’t think smoking is really my scene, anyways.'

'None of this is really your scene, Golden Boy.' Jack leans back enough to take a drag, his exhale slow and deliberate.

'It could be.'

'Yeah, and pigs could fly.'

'I'm serious, Merridew.' Ralph arches his back to press his hips forward, against Jack's. He can hear the sharp intake of breath, and the quiet curse.

'Best behave, Golden Boy.' He whispers, voice strained, 'I went through a lot to get this - I don't want a reason to waste any of it.'

'And what reason is that?'

'Wanna kiss you so fucking bad.' Ralph bites his lip, tilting his head back and parting his lips slightly.

'I'd let you.'

'I know you would.' When Jack rests the joint against his bottom lip, Ralph obediently takes a drag, long and deep.

'I think this is growing on me,' He murmurs when Jack takes it back, and he snorts, considering the remaining stub, then shrugging.

'Fuck it.' He murmurs, stubbing it out on the wall by Ralph's head. Then, he grabs at Ralph's waist, pulling him closer. 'You're maddeningly pretty, Gornick. I’ve wanted you since I've realized what my prick is.'

'Really?' Ralph swallows and wets his lips, and leans up when Jack bites his lip harshly.

'Yeah. Been watching you for a long time. Thought about you. Imagine how fucked off our fathers would be if they find out that we even looked at each other twice.' Ralph tilts his chin forward and stares unabashedly at Jack's mouth.

'Kiss me, Jack.' He whispers. Barely gets it out before he's knocked back against the wall, almost violently. Jack's lips are hot on his, furiously pulling at his hair. It’s messy, and it would be even if Ralph knew how to respond. Jack's tongue is in his mouth, and he sort of moves his over it, grabbing at his sides. Jack laughs and pulls back enough to speak, hands moving down to his neck.

'You really don’t know how to snog,' He murmurs, then goes back in, slower this time. Ralph desperately presses closer, following Jack's lead. He copies each movement, until Jack pulls back, bending and kissing his neck, grabbing his arm. Ralph leans back against the wall, chest heaving and lips tingling. Next thing he knows, Jack's teeth are pressing into the softest part of his neck, and his hand tugs at his belt, demanding, an unspoken cue. Ralph whimpers when he feels him sucking at his skin, grabbing for his wrist.

'Not yet. Not... Ready for that.' He's breathless already, and he kisses his temple. Jack backs off immediately, hand resting on his waist instead.

'Of course, Golden Boy.' He kisses his Adam's apple with a certain finality about the action, and Ralph flushes bright when he pulls back to look at him. 'I should go. I've got a test tomorrow.' Ralph wants to grab for him, ask him to stay, but he nods. Smiles up at him.

'Of course. See you tomorrow?'

'Mhm. Maybe.'

 

 

Ralph walks into Social Sciences with his stomach in knots, fingers tight around his books. Jack sits in his usual spot, chewing on the end of his pencil as he talks to Maurice, who's draped over the back of his chair. He smiles smugly, pinching at Maurice's neck. Ralph's heart drops when he realizes it's the same spot where he kissed last night, the same spot where a mark is now, hidden under his school tie.

He clenches his jaw and sits down in his seat, staring straight ahead. The two boys are staring at him, he can tell.

Jack doesn't wait for long for him to look at him before the sharp end of his pencil is prodding at his arm.

'Golden Boy,' He says, too long. Ralph rubs his hand over his jaw and looks over at Piggy for help. His friend is absorbed in a book, and Jack is unrelenting. Forcing himself to keep his calm, he turns to Jack.

'Yes, Merridew?' Jack hums, and leans his cheek on his hand. He looks over his face, smiling softly when his eyes drop to his neck.

'What are you doing at lunch?'

'Simon needs help with a pr - '

'I missed you, pretty boy.' His voice drops to a whisper, and Maurice turns around, smirking and still clearly listening. 'I couldn't sleep, I was thinkin' about you so much.' The knots ease and his heart lifts, and Ralph bites his lip.

'About what?'

'You, in general. Meet me where we met last night and I could go into more detail.'

'Okay,' Ralph's voice shakes when he says it, and Jack grins, glancing around before reaching across and taking his hand, squeezing it briefly. 

 

Just as the day before, Jack was waiting for him when he gets there. He grins when he sees him, holding out his hand.

He doesn't wait for him to sit down on his own. As soon as he takes his hand, he's being jerked down onto his knees, Jack's mouth on his. Ralph gasps, steadying himself when he's pulled into his lap.

'Want you so bad,' Jack kisses his cheekbones, grabbing his wrists and pulling him down closer. Ralph pulls away as best he can under his hold.

'What did you tell Maurice? I saw you this morning.'

'Don't worry about that, baby boy.' His mouth drops to his neck, and Ralph almost lets it go, melting against him. Already, he knew how he ticked, how to touch him so he bends under his hands like putty. He moves so his nose rests in the hollow of his jaw, and his hand slides up his ribs, and he forgets about Maurice immediately, forgets about everything but Jack and the way his hands feel through his shirt.

 

The rest of the day is a blur that ends in Jack's room, devoid of a roommate when the boy who slept in the bed across the room had broken a leg over the break. Jack smiles down at him, brushing his hair from his face and running his fingers down his sweaty face.

'God, you're perfect.' He whispers, rubbing his hand down his arm.

'I'm sorry,'

'Why?'

'I feel like I... I dunno, let you down. By not being ready.' Jack smiles and kisses his temple.

'I don't care about sex. Not really.' The smile is tighter now, but Ralph chooses to ignore it, smiles softly and pushes his face into his neck. _I think I love you_. It's on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn't say it. Not yet. Not so soon.

But it's still there.

 

-x-

 

Fifth year is different. Fifth year is when Jack first gets appointed as Head Boy - he didn't even have to try. Every man in his family had been Head Boy since his great-great grandfather, and it was expected by now. Didn't hurt that his father gave the school a big donation every Christmas and Easter.

Fifth year is when Roger comes to Savanna.

 

They're sitting on the grass together, a healthy distance between them - reputation mattered more than ever now - when a car pulls up. A tall, disgruntled man steps out, then opens the passenger door, hauling out a boy already dressed in the school uniform. Jack sits up beside Ralph, hand landing on his thigh.

'New boy,' He whispers, his eyes hungry and trailing the two as they climb the steps to the front door. The new Headmaster opens the door and smiles, grand and wide, and Jack scoffs. 'Fucking cunt. I should get over there.' Ralph looks over at him, brows pulling in.

'Can't you stay? Pause your Head Boy duties for one afternoon? I miss you.' Jack snorts, face crumpling.

'Why?' Ralph looks away, then bites his lips.

'Just. Come here?' He takes the collar of his shirt and pulls him in, kissing him gently. Jack shoves him back and stares down hard at him.

'Don't. Don't ruin a good thing by involving complicated shit like feelings.' He whispers, pushes up and away. Ralph watches him jog up the stairs to meet the new boy, extend a hand with a warm, practiced smile. Waiting for him to go inside, he then gets up and goes to find Simon.

 

Ralph doesn't see Jack for a week after that, but there's talk. The new boy became his roommate since his old one had never come back to school.

And so, he finds shelter in Simon's company.

There’s a little strip of woods by the parking lot, just beyond the wall. They were still on the lot, so they're technically still on school property when they climb over the walls and take solace in the little wood, bringing school work and smuggled bottles of vodka bought from Maurice's older brother with their weekly allowances. Charles never joins them for these trips, preferring to revise in the library, so there is no limit to conversation.

'What is kissing like?' Simon asks, once, and Ralph shrugs.

'Overhyped.'

'And... sex?' He lowers his voice - they were still half-convinced it was a curse word. Ralph flushes and shrugs again.

'I wouldn't know.'

'You haven't... with Jack?'

'No. He wants to, but... He's really distant. Like, he acts like my boyfriend sometimes, but then he says we're not dating. And now's he’s getting all close to this Roger - I bet in their room he's doing the same things with him that he did with me last year. Whatever, though. I don’t care what he does, anymore.' Ralph shrugs again, even though he very much cared about what Jack did. Simon smiles, shyly, raising the water bottle they kept the vodka in.

'Forget him.' He says softly, before taking a sip, coughing when he hands to Ralph. Ralph smiles and tilts it back, eyes watering when he holds back his own cough.

'Yeah. Forget him.'

 

Forgetting him is the opposite of what he does, however.

It’s past curfew when he sneaks down to his room, bigger now that he’s gotten promoted to Head Boy. Closer to the professors. He knocks softly, and Jack answers, mid-laugh and looking over his shoulder.

'Oh. Hey.' He says, surprised, when he looks down at him.

'Can I come in?' Jack looks out into the hall nervously.

'It's late, Golden Boy.'

'I know.' Then, Jack sighs and pulls him into the room, shutting the door.

The room is thick with smoke, and there's a bottle of Hennessy just lying on Roger's bed.

'Jesus - don’t the teachers check on you?'

'Roger is fast.' Jack shrugs, picking his cigarette up from the ashtray and taking a drag. Ralph sits on his bed, not waiting for an invite for once. The redhead frowns down at him, then sits beside him. 'Why are you here, Gornick?'

'I want you to fuck me.' He whispers - it was clearly the only way to get his attention back. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Roger flush and look away. But he doesn't falter, or blush, or stutter. Not when Jack raises a brow, or when he smiles.

'Really?'

'Yeah. I want you to fuck me. On Monday. So, this weekend I want you to go into town and get condoms and lube. And I want Roger out of the room.'

'I already have those,' Jack is breathless, 'I got them over the summer, I knew you would - '

'Monday. I'll come down after lights out. And we'll fuck.' He stands again, lets himself out. Doesn't look back, even with Jack’s gaze burning into the space between his shoulder blades.

 

And just as he says, he's there.

20 minutes after the final check-in, he knocks on Jack's door. He hadn't bothered to change into anything, hadn't wanted to make a big deal out of it. He had pulled his Calvin Klein’s on, but that was where it ended.

And then Jack answers the door.

The room behind him is lit low, and he's dressed in something Ralph hasn't seen him in before - dress shirt, slacks. New clothing, he notes. Suddenly, he feels incredibly underdressed, and all confidence is out the window.

'Fuck, you look good,' Jack still murmurs, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the room.

'I didn't realize that we... You and I... were making a big deal about this.'

'It's your first time. I wanted it to be special.' Ralph looks around the room. It's the same, but Jack has a candle burning on the dresser, and he's actually cleaned it for once.

'Is it your first time, too?' He asks, softly, and Jack takes his hands, pulling him into a kiss.

'No.'

'Oh.' Disappointment fills his stomach, heavy and hard and cold.

'But I did it so I would know how to make you feel good. I practised, on myself first. Then a few other boys. None of them matter - just you.' Jack kisses his temple, 'You're so important to me, Ralph. I care about you - too much.' His words fill Ralph's heart, and he smiles up at him broadly. Then, Jack presses his hand to the side of his neck, and pulls him into a long, careful kiss, urging him backwards and onto his bed.

It's slow and tender, moreso than anything Ralph has ever experienced, especially from Jack. By the end, he’s emotionally raw and wrecked, tears tracking down his face.

'I love you,' He whispers, his voice broken. Above him, Jack doesn’t falter, moving in him with the sole intent to finish. Ralph himself had long peaked, and all of his attention had since been diverted to his own finish. Ralph whispers it repeatedly when he presses close, pushes his face into his neck and groans his name, full on sobbing when he eases out.

Jack pulls back and brushes his hair from his face, the tenderness of the moment still lingering.

'I really do,' Ralph gasps through his sobs, 'I love you so much.' Jack says nothing, but he smiles, kisses him softly, and that's all Ralph needs.

 

He dresses slowly, with Jack watching from the bed. Just as he’s pulling his shirt on, the door to the bathroom opens, and Roger freezes, looking up when Jack sighs.

'You were supposed to wait until Ralph left,' Jack rolls onto his side, frowns, and Ralph spins to look at him, eyes wide.

'Was he - I asked - ' His chest collapses in on itself, and he sets his jaw. Jack blinks up at him, slow and still in the afterglow.

'What did you expect me to do? He can't leave his room in the middle of the night.'

'You said you - ' Ralph looks down, blinks away hot tears. Then, he picks up his remaining clothes and his shoes. 'Fuck you.' He spits out coldly, voice shaking. Jack rolls his eyes and sits up, pushing the blankets back. He starts saying his name, but Ralph fumbles for the doorknob, hand extending out between them. 'No. Don't touch me. Don't talk to me tomorrow. Or ever.'

 

And he doesn't.

At least, not for a whole week and a half. By then, Ralph is itching for him, even with the anger and hate still burning in his stomach.

He comes to him when he's sitting on the wall with Simon, sharing a sandwich.

'Are you still mad, or have you learned how to take a pill?' Jack calls up, tucking a cigarette behind his ear. He’s started rolling his own, claims that that’s how you get tabacco at it’s best. Ralph frowns and takes a bite of his sandwich, staring determinedly at Simon's knees. 'C’mon, pretty boy,' One hand wraps around his ankle, thumb rubbing along his instep, 'Don't think about Roger. Remember what I said? No one else but you matters to me. Think about how good it was.' Ralph looks at Simon, setting his sandwich down.

'Hey, Si, do you still want to know what kissing is like?'

'Oh. Um. I already - '

'Because I'd like to show you.' Simon looks from between Ralph and Jack, and says his name softly. Please, Ralph mouths. Then, he blushes, and looks away.

'Okay.' Ralph leans in, kisses him softly, carefully, hand resting just above his elbow. His other hand drops to his thigh as he kicks Jack off, the only acknowledgement he'll give him. Then, he takes Simon’s face in both of his hands and leans in closer, shoulders lifting to his ears. Jack scoffs below him, then makes his way across the courtyard, and Ralph pulls back, smiling in relief.

'Thank you,' He says warmly, rubbing his thigh briefly. Simon slowly opens his eyes and flushes darker.

'Wow. I know that what he did was shitty, but... Wow.' He whispers, wetting his lips. Ralph looks out across the courtyard, and shrugs.

 

He’s in study hall, alone this time, when Jack finds him again.

'Can’t you just talk to me? And act your fucking age?' He hisses, low and angry. Ralph ignores him, packing up his books methodically. 'Jesus - you are such a fucking brat!' Jack follows him when he stands and walks briskly out of the hall, then pushes him up to the wall when they get out into the hall. 'Look at me, Ralph. Look at me!' When Ralph keeps his eyes down stubbornly, the heel of his hand forcefully hits the wall by his ear, making him flinch away. 'God, why can’t you just talk to me!' He shouts, and Ralph finally looks at him, eyes wide with fear.

'Let me go.' He says softly, and his grip tightens on his arm.

'No.'

'Why can’t you pick someone else to piss off? Get off of me!' Ralph jerks at his arm, and Jack grabs his face.

'You are so fucking - infuriating. I hate you so much, Gornick. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you, and wondering what you’re doing, and wanting to talk to you. I hate that you’ve become the reason that I wake up in the morning, and you won’t even fucking look at me!'

'Jack, please.' He tugs at his wrist more insistently now.

'You said you love me. You said it. So what? You lied to me?'

'I didn’t lie to you,' Ralph croaks, 'I thought I did, in that moment. It was so perfect - '

'Exactly! Forget everything about the end of it. Just think about what it was like. Ralph, let me make this right.’

'This is no us. Don’t ruin a good thing with feelings, right?'

'Well, there are fucking feelings now! I don’t care! So - fucking talk to me. Let me make it better. Please. No more - no more kissing other boys to piss me off. No more ignoring me.'

Ralph finally meets his eyes, and melts. He accepts everything that Jack says and lets him back in, lets him nestle back into that secure, locked place in his heart. Lets himself be washed over by his presence.

He shuts his eyes and sinks down into his depths, lets it all crash into him. He starts to cry again, and pushes his face into Jack’s neck, apologizing again and again.

 

-x-

 

It's the middle of sixth year, and Ralph is sure that he loves Jack.

He barely sees him, but when he does, he's almost always angry. Angry at Roger, angry at a professor. Mostly Sheridan.  _You won't believe what the fucking cunt said to me today._ He would murmur while rolling a cigarette, or he would ramble about wanting to smash in her  _prissy fucking cunt face_ while watching a match burn down near his fingers.

He's either angry, or unsettling-ly happy. He'd smile at him, look at him like he was his entire world, kiss him hard and pay attention to him. Although it kind of freaked him out, Ralph is still glad for it when he gets like that, glad for the attentiveness.

Today, he's angry. There are a pile of spent matches at the foot of his bed, and he tosses more lit matches onto the pile, muttering under his breath. Ralph is afraid to move, afraid to speak, afraid that Jack will direct the anger at him. Once, he had, and it was the only time he had struck him in the entire two years together. He still apologized for it, sometimes, even if he was angry that day, but there's still that fear he would do it again. So, he sits behind him, silent and waiting for him to burn out enough to lean back into him and sigh, let him calm him down until he got up and left.

  
But he doesn't calm down. Doesn't move. And Ralph is frozen behind him, barely daring to breathe. Finally, he moves and gathers up the matches, tossing them in the trash before opening the door, stepping out of the way. Ralph looks up at him, wants to object.

'You should go.' He grits out, and Ralph pauses. 'Ralph, just go. I'll see you later.' Finally, he stands and walks over to him, pausing at the door. Jack glances down at him, then sighs and leans down to kiss his forehead briefly. 'I'm sorry, okay? I'm just in the mood to see you tonight.' Ralph nods and looks away so he won't see him blinking back tears.

Ralph is sure that he loves Jack, but he's entirely sure that Jack doesn't love him back.

'Does it have to do with Sheridan?' He asks quietly, and Jack grits his teeth.

'Yeah. Don't worry - she'll get whats coming her in due time. We just have to sit and wait for Karma to catch up with the bitch.' He gently pushes him out the door and closes it in his face, locking it without another moment wasted. Ralph stands in the hall for a moment, then bites his lip, sniffles, then hurries down the hall to find Simon.

 

Jack is gentler, the next time he sees him.

He offers a cigarette to him, and Ralph takes it, still not used to the way the smoke fills his lungs after all this time. He coughs and looks away, and Jack smiles at him, easy and loose.

'Why are you in such a good mood?' Ralph asks suspiciously when Jack's arms wrap around his waist and his face pushes to his back.

'Nothin’. Just feeling good about things.'

'What kinda things?'

'Us,'

'There’s an us now?' Ralph smiles, breathing in but not bringing the smoke all the way into his lungs this time.

'There always has been. I'm just... I don't like admitting it. You scare me.'

'I scare you?'

'Yeah. Well, it scares me when I think about you. I don’t know how to describe it, but I just feel so strongly about you, baby. I can't imagine a life without you.' Ralph grins and reaches back to offer the cigarette to him, then resting his hand on his cheek when he takes it.

'Maybe it’s love.' Jack snorts and kisses the back of his neck.

'Don't think so. I've seen love, and this isn’t it. It’s something more.'

'There isn't much more than love.'

'Mhm. Maybe I'm just incapable of love, then. Maybe it’s something like love, but I don't know how to actually experience it correctly.'

'Don't say that. Tell me... Tell me what love you’ve seen.' Jack shifts behind him so his chin is on his shoulder, and he holds him close.

'Only one, really. Roger. Did I tell you? He’s in love with me.'

'You didn't,' There’s a lurching in Ralph's stomach, and all he can think of is all the time they spend in this room together, rife with opportunities to act upon those feelings. Jack kisses his temple and hums.

'He's really obvious. It's concerning, really, 'specially if you consider his past.'

'His past?'

'That’s not my place to tell you. Don't worry about it, baby. He's nothing to me - you're... Something. Almost everything.' His hand smooths through his hair, and he kisses his temple again. Ralph blinks at the floor, setting his jaw and trying not to cry.

Before he can fail, he twists around and looks up at Jack with big eyes.

'Fuck me.'

 

He comes back to his own dorm sore and feeling used. Simon looks at him knowingly, and lets him collapse into his arms with a shuddering sigh. Charlie is asleep across the room, so Ralph pushes his face into his chest and curls his fingers into his shirt, dropping quickly into sleep.

'Oh Simon,' He murmurs, 'Things would be so much easier if I loved you.'

 

-x-

 

Seventh year lives up to all the hype that former years have told them.

Jack gets a fancy new lighter for his 18th birthday, just at the start of term. He shows Ralph when he gets it, strangely proud of it, and makes a point of flashing it theatrically before lighting each cigarette or blunt.

It's also their best year in their relationship. More than he had ever before, Jack asks after his schedule, wants to know when he'll be off the property and when he could see him, wants to know who he would go with.

One night in late November, he takes his hand and kisses his knuckles. They're folded into one armchair by the window in Jack's dorm, and Ralph can feel Roger's hungry eyes on them from across the room. He glances over and feels bad, just for a moment.

'Wanna get dinner next Friday? My treat.' Jack whispers, then kisses his neck. Ralph shudders and closes his eyes. Now more than ever, he felt as though Jack's touch set him alight - there was no doubt in his mind that he was completely, utterly in love with this boy.

'What's next Friday's date?' He murmurs dreamily, and Jack tells him. Ralph hums, then whines. 'Can't. I promised that I'd go out with Simon and Charlie - Simon didn't want to be on Little Brother Duty alone for another weekend. Saturday?'

'Maybe.'

 

That Friday, Jack stops by at lunch and gives him a hard kiss, not looking around before he does.

'Have fun tonight.' He whispers, and Ralph smiles, confused but greatful, and takes his hand.

'You too, Mister I-Only-Go-Out-When-My-Boyfriend-Makes-Me.' His heart leaps when he uses that word - he hadn’t realized until he already said it, unable to take it back. But Jack just smiles and squeezes his hand.

'Take your time. Have fun with your friends.'

'Alright, baby. I will.' Jack smiles again and kisses his forehead before leaving, turning that stupid lighter over in his hand.

 

It's inexplicable, but Simon's little brother was pissing him off more than usual. They’re alone in the main part of the room - Simon was in the bathroom and Charlie had gone to fetch Maurice and the twins. Peter was chattering away about some thing a boy in his year did, and Ralph squeezes his eyes shut, then checks the time. They were late for going out, and if they spent too much longer they would miss the window to sign out, if they even caught the trolley on time. If he had gone with Jack, they probably would be well on their way into town by now.

'No one cares!' He snaps finally, and the boy calms up. He sighs loudly, rubbing at his temples. 'Jesus. Can't you just get your own life so we can do things without you? Go make some friends.' Tears spring into his eyes - he was always too sensitive for his own good. No wonder everyone hated him. He looks into the hall, opens his mouth like he'll call for Simon. But his soft humming can be heard from where they sit, so he springs to his feet and rushes out the door, nearly colliding with Charlie, who stumbles back, eyes wide.

And not two moments later, Simon comes out into the room, fresh-faced and happy. It makes Ralph happy, to see him like that, happy that he looks like that so often.

'Where's Peter?'

'He thought we might be 'doing the weed' when he learned that Maurice was coming.' Simon snorts and ruffles his fingertips through Ralph’s hair as he crosses the room to put on his trainers.

And Ralph has just gotten up to do the same when the fire alarm starts to blare, and smoke starts to drift up under their door.

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT : the wonderful and amazing [marti](http://spookyboy123.tumblr.com) drew a piece of art for this and [im still shook](https://shameblog3000.tumblr.com/post/171307657549/i-drew-a-scene-from-gayjackmerridew-s-fic-bc-wow#notes)


End file.
